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Hi.
This is my old weblog archive and is no longer actively updated. Please visit this link for my current blog.
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Michael's Diary -- 2001-2003 Archive
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1.05.2001
Overall, a day to be satisifed with. El Jefe led us through our schedule for the next few months. Some training gigs but fortunately little travel after the Ann Arbor, MI gig I will have in February. In fact no travel on the horizon past then as of now -- though I am dead certain that will change. The travel must be gone from my life at some point during the year or I will have to consider making a change. Also heard from the prospective customer whose proposal I worked on with a colleague last week -- will finalize the deal next week, I hope.
Had a discussion with the coworker I disagreed with the other day. We agreed to try to understand each other's buttons and to avoid pushing them.
Then it was off to the bank to secure my niece's birthday present (some Irish money for her upcoming Irish adventure), then to Borders for my nephew's. He wanted the new Backstreet Boys CD. Much as I loathe putting money in that band's pockets I picked it up. However, I also bought him the new U2 album in the hope that it will turn him on to the musical world beyond the BS Boys. In Borders I had an interesting experience. I was tight on time and knew it, but just had to browse around looking for a certain book even though it would make me late for my appointment and there was no chance I was going to buy the book anyway (I have at least 6 books in the queue right now at home). So much for being focused. I am alert to it now; one more thing to add to the list of things to be mindful of.
Then, stopped to pick up some bread for the shrimp and noodle dish that's supper tonight, and then the El home. Practiced guitar, and now it's time to cook. Tonight, after supper, we will go and see Castaway, the Tom Hanks picture. Should be diverting, at least. More tomorrow, a busy day on the Sheehan calendar.
6:39 PM
I have set up an alternate online diary site, and if there is one more "Blogger ate my post experience" I will be migrating all these posts there. Early rise again today, nice in the same ways. Gained dozy consciousness, got dressed, packed lunch, has a quite good sitting, fed Boris and Gil, left for the train. Got in to work 10 minutes later though -- was very bleary from not getting enough sleep after wrestling with Blogger last night and my morning ablutions etc. went slowly.
11:33 AM
Guess what? Blogger ate my entry again today. So here is a succinct version. Sorry, folks. Starting tomorrow, until Blogger gets their system straightened out (a blitz of publicity has caused major capacity issues) I am compiling my entries offline and posting them as able. I just wasted over half an hour on composing and attempting to post my entry for today (Thursday) and it's already tomorrow.
6:00 am rise
7:30 am shower
8:00 pack lunch, bagel
8:10 meditate
8:55 leave for work
9:25 arrive at work
12:00 lunch
12:45 depart for support customer
5:00 depart for home
6:00 arrive home
7:00 make dinner (Lemon Chicken, pretty good)
8:00 Watch nice little man win $32K on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Practice guitar.
8:30 Leave for bowling
9:45 - 11:00 bowl with Brady, Mark and Jason -- very well, for me, a 150 average for the night and 4 straight strikes at one point!
11:10 home, write up diary, lose it to Blogger, curse, write this up.
All in all, a good day. All commitments met and discharged with flying colors and yesterday's negativity adequately dispersed.
Had an awesome surprise in the form of a beautiful electric blue Betta fish for my work space shelf from G (if you click that link and scroll down the page you will see a fish close to what mine is like). He is a really cool little fish, kind of an electric blue color. He has a little fishbowl with a four-leaf-clover plant in it to keep it nice for him. I am very happy about my fish -- in fact the more I learn about him the more I like him. (Yes, I can tell he's a he by the bubbles in the fishbowl. You haven't read this page yet, have you?). Having read about him, I think we have to raise the temperature a little for him, heating oil be damned.
I have named him Gil after Bob's fish in What About Bob?
Bed. Now.
12:09 AM
1.03.2001
Had another challenge today that I did not adequately meet. A coworker and I had a misunderstanding which escalated into an argument. I lost my cool and had to leave the room at one point. This particular person and I have had cross words before. I had a difficult time calming myself down and remembering my aim, and it took a while for the anger to dissipate that had arisen. Trying to look at it objectively -- not the merits of the argument per se, but the way anger works, in me at any rate. So, some good can come of it in that way. Anyhow tomorrow we will hash it out when the emotional heat has dissipated. I will try really hard to be more positive.
I am now enjoying the last helping of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream I expect to be eating for a while ("Nutty Waffle Cone") and that's just fine. Small helpings of fat free sorbet more than fit the bill once I adjust to them. The diet part of the year's commitments begins on Sunday. Been ramping up to it this week, mentally preparing menus, doing a little shopping tonight. More shopping to come on Sunday, and maybe then I will fill you in on exactly what I am doing, diet-wise. Some of it comes from Dr. Andrew Weil's 8 Weeks to Optimum Health and some comes from another plan that dovetails nicely with Dr. Weil and which gave me some good results before I bailed on it. Perhaps its useful to discuss why I bailed: I let myself make excuses. I was travelling a lot for work, I began to slip a little bit, I was lonely away from home . . . Most big folks like me have an unhealthy friend/entertainment relationship with food. Not that it's wrong to associate food with entertainment, of course, but it can turn into a crutch. In the situation I was just discussing, it did, and by the time I got home a week later I was off the wagon, as it were. Not binging at all, mind you, but at my size, if I want get anywhere near a healthy weight I have to be really careful about what I eat (and even more careful about what I don't). Given the travel schedule I will be working with for the time being (at least the next couple of months) I am giving a lot of thought to ways I can "bulletproof" my program. Having this diary -- which perhaps is a little too candid? not that I care -- will help. So do any supportive wishes you want to mentally send in my direction.
Anyway: time to practice guitar, and get an early 40 winks.
9:24 PM
Well, a damned hard time getting up today. It was -- still is -- dark, dark, dark outside. I crave a warm (and I am not talking tropical -- 40 degrees farenheit would do nicely) and sunny couple of days. Maybe this weekend, the weather guys tell us.
One of the biggest challenges I have to keeping my commitments is getting up early. There are some things I just need to do first thing in the day or they will simply not get done. Alas, it has never been my habit to wake up early and ready to go, especially when it is dark or rainy or snowy or all of the above, although I am able when I have appointments or commitments to others. I am rarely if ever late for early morning do-or-die appointments, although I am often a little rushed. Why should this be different when the commitment is to myself? And the strange thing is, once I am actually up and awake (not always the same thing with me) I enjoy the quiet time and getting ready for the day. I always enjoy the feeling of being better prepared for the day. But still, struggling out of the arms of Morpheus is a challenge and a half. I am just not thinking clearly when I am first awakened by my dear wife. Or, at least, I am not thinking of my aim. I am thinking of how warm the bed is, how sleepy I feel, whether I am speaking English to my wife when I wish her love and a good day. So, how to turn this around?
10:56 AM
1.02.2001
A pretty busy day, all told. A lot of planning, preparing and organizing, more or less what I intended this week to be. I have a lot of changes to make -- if you have read the entry from earlier today you know that -- and I am trying to ease into them over the course of this week and next weekend. Since I have a good deal of travel scheduled over the next two months, I am trying to "travel-proof" some of my daily tasks. This takes some thinking.
Had a couple of emails from my friend Andrew regarding my post. He writes in defense, sort of, of cynicism and sarcasm. I agree, to a point. As a weapon in the humorist's arsenal sarcasm is necessary. Just remember, the first syllable of arsenal is arse. I don't know why I felt compelled to point that out.
I am not so sure about cynicism, though:
cyn·i·cism (sn-szm) n.
1. A scornful, bitterly mocking attitude or quality: the public cynicism aroused by governmental scandals.
2. A scornful, bitterly mocking comment or act.
3. Cynicism. The beliefs of the ancient Cynics.
It's the bitterness that seeps into your soul over time -- poisons the well, methinks. I wasn't aware the ancient Cynics believed in anything. Sarcasm requires wit. Cynicism only requires a big mouth and a bad attitude. Most of the people one hears described as "cynics" are also jaded. Cynicism in common use seems to imply that "bitter, mocking" attitude toward everything and anything. It seems judgmental. I have no room in my life, really, for people who judge me; and judge not, lest ye be judged, is sound practice.
Anyhow, like I could ever be sarcastic.
Today's objectives were discharged. Feeling a sense of something good beginning. Guitar practice, an odd set of ascending and descending fingerings up and down the fretboard, was torture at 85 bpm, stressful at 60. It is very hard to run fretboard patterns to a metronome and concentrate on keeping both hands, shoulders and neck relaxed. Especially with a pinky with a mind of its own. But, I get better at it as I practice more often.
Leftover Chinese food for supper, shopping list for tomorrow and menus through the weekend all made, a few notes taken.
And now, early to bed.
11:09 PM
Here is a great quote on commitment, often attributed to Goethe although I believe that attribution is inaccurate (if anyone can help me out on this, I'd appreciate it):
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans. That moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin It Now. "
2:18 PM
This morning, slept a little late. Yesterday I spent much more time than I had bargained for rearranging my work space at home. It's now much more open and pleasant and uncluttered. I took any books off my shelf that I was not intending to read or consult in the next year and boxed them up. I packed away my cassette tapes where they are still accessible, but out of the way. I use them so rarely anymore that it seemed pointless to be stumbling over them all the time. Rearranged some furniture, bookshelves, created a little space on my shelves for some flowers and perhaps a goldfish. Created more wall space where my new pictures I got for Christmas can be hung, when the right frames have been found. The result is a much more suitable space in which I can work and make music. I just need a small table and the room will be complete.
Was very happy earlier yesterday to talk with my brother Teige and future sister-in-law Becca. Just so exciting for both of them and for our family to have such a super girl marrying Teige, who is such a super guy.
Spent most of the remainder of the evening going over roles, goals, and commitments for the year. I spent a while composing my long, "beginning of the millenium/decade/year/month" posting, which dealt with some personal changes I am making in the coming year. As I also noted in last night's post, when I posted it to Blogger, Blogger choked on it and my new entry was lost. By that point it was quite late and I just couldn't rewrite the whole thing. Gave up and stayed up a little too late watching Toy Story 2. What a great film. A real shame it didn't even get nominated for Best Picture when it clearly contended. As I have often said, there are more great ideas in five minutes of either TS1, TS2, A Bug's Life or even Pixar's short subject films than in almost all the hours of major Hollywood stink-bombs. I would love to work there.
Speaking of films, saw the Coens' latest last Friday, O Brother, Where Art Thou? Found it lacking, but my expectations got in the way. While there were sequences I laughed at, and I definitely enjoyed watching the movie, and it looked fab, it left me kind of cold overall. Didn't seem to be real clear about what it was supposed to be. However, I was a little put off by The Big Lebowski the first time I saw it, too, and it is now one of my all-time favorite movies. So perhaps a second viewing will change my mind. It's funny, but for the Coens and for Scorsese, I always have such high expectations and such an interest in studying what they're doing that it usually effects my first viewings of their work. Sometimes, my first impression turns out to be correct (in my opinion) -- for example, I find Hudsucker Proxy to be almost unwatchable and have since I first saw it. Funny how expectations can color your objectivity.
So, I will now post my Great Big Begin The Millenium Post. I don't flatter myself for a moment that anyone is really interested enough in me to read all of this. But if you do, your support, kind thoughts and good wishes are very welcome.
My theme for the year: commitment. A definition from dictionary.com:
com·mit·ment (k-mtmnt)
n.
1. The act or an instance of committing, especially:
a. The act of referring a legislative bill to committee.
2. Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility.
3.A court order authorizing consignment to a prison.
2.
a. A pledge to do.
2. Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family.
In this case, definition 3 sums up my theme for the year. I have spent a lot of time considering areas where I must improve myself. Over the last year I have had a few enlightening moments where it has become clear that focusing on one small but challenging aspect of my personality could have quantum qualitative effects in all the others. This is something I have recognized intellectually for some time but have never really recognized in the patterns of my own behavior until recently.
In each of these "focus aspects" there is a common theme of commitment: making a new commitment or reaffirming an existing one through action, or, too often, failing to fulfill a commitment. My sense is that making and fulfilling a commitment in time is a life-affirming practice, and failing is a negating practice. In my case, in almost every area of dissatisfaction with my personal behavior, a broken commitment is at the root -- in most cases a commitment made to myself.
My focus below is on the roles of my life, what my lifelong goals are in each, and what critical commitments I can make, and keep, this year to move those goals closer to reality. By fulfilling these commitments I fulfill a larger goal of strengthening my ability to make and keep commitments. So, these goals work in tandem with each other.
One question which has come up is: why post this in public? My reason for making these commitments public is to raise the stakes a little bit. A commitment, made privately, spoken only to one's self, is much more easily rationalized away ion the face of temptation than one publicly declared. A tip always given to those wishing to stop smoking is, "tell everyone you know when you are quitting." That way, you have many other people -- not just your conscience -- potentially questioning the level of your commitment if you are tempted to break it. A powerful motivator.
There are other reasons for this diary. A big reason is to serve one of the commitments you can see below: to create new ways to extend contact with friends and family. Another is to provide a daily "checkpoint" -- how well am I doing at meeting my commitments? That's a question to be asked at the end of the day when I make my last entries. My commitment for the diary is one year: on 1 January 2002 I'll reflect and reconsider and possibly renew this commitment.
Here then are my roles, goals and commitments for 2001. If you have any questions you can feel free to email me.
--Community Goal
To contribute some time and energy each month to a worthy cause in the community.
Commitment in 2001: Help make the Chicago Maritime Society museum and web page a reality.
--Consultant Goal
To positively impact client organizations and change the way they think about technical support.
Commitments in 2001: Help develop our own support team; be focused on tasks at hand; show up by 9:30 each day; avoid negative thinking
--Family Goal
To be present, even from a distance, with caring, warmth and support, to all my family members, immediate and extended.
Commitment in 2001: to find new ways of keeping in touch and enhance existing ones.
--Friend Goal
To maintain strong bonds with old friends and develop stronger bonds with new ones.
Commitments in 2001: Attend weekly bowling get-togethers; Initiate contact with distant friends each week
--Husband Goal
These are a little too personal for the web diary. But G knows, I think, what they are.
--Musician Goal
To establish a body of technique sufficient to enable me to give voice to the music which makes itself available to me.
Commitments in 2001: Practice 6x week on exercises, at least; find or create a source of revenue to pursue musical ventures; develop soundscapes; perform for an audience; attend Guitar Craft weekend and L1 course
--Personal Goal
Goal: to be an integrated, balanced and positive person.
Commitments in 2001: Work on myself to eliminate negative emotions like hate and anger, and negative behaviors like sarcasm and cynicism; try see myself as others see me; to think of others with kindness and compassion, especially vexatious persons.
--Sharpen the Saw: (this refers to the Stephen Covey book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which offers a lot of good resources for goal-setting)
Emotional Goals
To be alert and aware of the world around me, and to respond intentionally, with love and compassion, rather than rashly or emotionally.
Commitment in 2001: Keep a daily online diary.
Mental Goals
To develop techniques to help achieve my goals.
Commitment in 2001: Practice weekly and daily planning; read through goal-setting books and work on the techniques described.
Physical Goals
To treat my body with the respect it deserves.
Goal for 2001: through a combination of dietary (reducing intake of fats to 25% of caloric totals, moving to unprocessed foods) and behavioral modification (daily exercise, getting enough sleep, ceasing all tobacco use), to have a significantly better state of health by this time next year.
Spiritual Goals
To cultivate a spritual life based on an understanding of the nature of all life and its relationship to the creator of all life.
Commitment for 2001: Pray and meditate for 20 minutes a day, six days a week.
1:52 PM
1.01.2001
Well, I just wrote a huge post which never made it, and to tell you the truth, it's way too late to rewrite it. So for now just a few quick thoughts.
First, a to my brother Teige and his new fiancee Becca who got engaged yesterday. Whoooo-hooo! G & I are very psyched for both of them.
Second, welcome to the first "official" day of my online diary. I am committing to post my diary every day for the next year. There are good reasons for this which I just spent an hour writing up only to have them eaten alive by Blogger. So, I will post them tomorrow instead.
Third, may I wish you a healthy, prosperous, and fun New Year.
11:15 PM
12.31.2000
Well, a busy week. Just a quick post to wish everyone a great New Year's Eve. If you are one of those generous souls who actually take an interest in this page, I will be posting a rather long entry tomorrow, after much planning, reflecting, and decision-making over the last couple of months. I have needed to make some personal changes to the way I address life and although I am not a very traditional guy, the dawn of an (actual) new millenium seems an ideal time to address some of these concerns. This online diary is integral to my plans. I'll explain a lot more tomorrow. For now, have a great party, wherever you are.
5:25 PM
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