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This is my old weblog archive and is no longer actively updated. Please visit this link for my current blog.
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Michael's Diary -- 2001-2003 Archive
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1.19.2001
The Collective, Redmond, WA 12:12 pm local time
Class as such is over. Attention and engagement have long since dribbled from my brain. Shortly, after lunch (ham sandwich on dark rye) we'll take a short test, and get it graded. Then, it's off to Snoqualmie to see some TwinPeaks sights before heading back into downtown Seattle for my last night in the Pacific Northwest. I am really ready for home and my sweetie. A visit to the Fremont neighborghood and a seafood dinner of uncompromising quality is in the forecast, and a visit, I hope, the the Experience Music Project. Then some fresh-brewed beer and well-deserved inebriation.
I won't be posting tonight although I will make an entry on my Palm Pilot and post it on my return to home tomorrow evening.
2:17 PM
Redmond, WA 11:12 pm local time
A bleary morning oozed into a semi-alert afternoon during which the subject matter in class was mostly information I already knew. Today marks the end of the formal class, with tomorrow reserved for a brief slide show and reveiws of attendee performance. Once that wraps up I can hit the road for Seattle, where I will be staying Friday night before flying out for Chicago 10:00 AM Saturday morning. On the way I will take a side trip to Snoqualmie, the location for a lot of the Twin Peaks exteriors -- one of my few favorite TV shows. Then a nice seafood dinner somewhere and if there is time a stop at the Experience Music Project. Saturday morning the Pike Place Fish guys start doing their thing at 6:30 am so I will stop by and pick up some iced fish to bring home for supper. Yummy!
Today our class got to go to the Microsoft company store and buy about $60 worth of employee-priced software and hardware. I chose the force-feedback Sidewinder joystick, and software to match. Just the thing for the new PC. Got about $250 worth of swag for $60.
A good day despite the lack of sleep. No sitting this morning as I felt I would be inclined to drift into a snooze. Talked with G for a while, but I was kind of grumpy and not much of a conversationalist. Cheerios, fat-free yogurt and coffee for breakfast, semi-vile "turkey cheesesteak" from food service for lunch, and a sensible dinner of grilled Ahi and rice at the Red Hook Brewery, a rather mediocre and overly large brewing operation about a 10-minute drive away; our company picked up the tab for the classmates. Stopped at another brewpub on the way back with one of the instructors. Really weird Scotch Ale that tasted of black licorice, which I despise. Moderately passable amber ale. Fatigue hit heavy and we left. Back at the hotel, called G who was in a foggy sleep after her night out with the girls. We'll chat tomorrow.
Now, I have to pack some of my things for the pre-class checkout. Then guitar and bed.
1:11 AM
1.18.2001
The Collective, 12:27 pm local time
Morning, a predictably groggy affair. Moments of alertness, engagement and contribution unpredictably interspersed with a nodding, incipient doze. Broke for lunch just in the nick of time (turkey cheeseteaks from the food service today, again, not the healthy option). A steady drizzle outisde has put the kibbosh on my afternoon walk but perhaps the evening will bring relief. Just got off the phone to my office -- the new PCs have arrived, so I know what G & I will be doing on Sunday. Now, a little fresh air.
2:32 PM
Redmond, WA, an unspeakable 1:55 am local time
A severe sense of physical dislocation today, coupled with a virulent dose of cabin fever. There is not much to do around Redmond in the evenings, so I have been spending my nights here in the hotel room. Couldn't take it anymore.
No surprise, I suppose, that a day that ended with a certain personal dissatisfaction with my level of commitment led to a morning of uncomfortable and unfocused meditation, followed by a day of irritability and needless exasperation in class. Certainly, I wasn't the only one in this state; many classmates felt stretched a little thin by this, the midpoint of the class. It contributed to my need to do something entertaining tonight, after coming back from class and playing my guitar for a brief time. I also popped my dirty laundry in the free washer here at the hotel. Nothing sucks more than carting around a big bag full of a week's worth of dirty undies.
Alas, my plan to go out was as unfocused as the rest of my day. Rather than get directions, I decided to just drive around and find a theater. The roads here are numbered, so it shouldn't be that hard to find my way around, I reasoned. Well, if there is rhyme or reason to the numbering of streets in Redmond I had a good two hours to decipher it, to no avail. I persevered because I just couldn't bear moping back to my hotel room. Finally, after getting lost, doubling back and chasing my tail forever, I found, on what I swore would be my last effort, a large multiplex which was showing several films. The only one that G & I are not planning to see together was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which we already saw. I was happy to see it again. If you have not yet seen this excellent, exciting and incredible film on the big screen please do so. I would love to hear your thoughts on it when you do. The first major action sequence, a balletic, soaring battle across Peking rooftops, features such graceful and dramatic camera motion, editing and physical wonderment that I was moved, this evening, almost to tears. Again and again I was struck by the poised and restrained, yet deeply felt performance by Michelle Yeoh. Really a work of art, and there is no justice if this cinematic achievement does not win Best Picture. Had my weekly ration of popcorn tonight.
The showing was not until 10:00, so I went to a bar across the parking lot for a beer and a bite to eat. All the bites to eat included various forms of cheeses, sauces and fats, so I had 6 ginger-sauce chicken wings. Not a diet choice by any means but at least a small portion. It is really hard to maintain healthy eating habits wheen you are more or less stuck in a universe of "family dining" establishments that include loads of bacon or sour cream or cheese or lard or some combination of the above as integral ingredients. That said, I could have abstained. I wasn't *that* hungry. I was just indulging in an unhealthy relationship with "comfort food."
Interesting, that, given my reflections of last evening. When I am away from home, essentially alone for extended periods, I lapse into this unresourceful state. Tonight I was, at least, a little more aware of it -- able to observe it a little more objectively, because I had noticed some aspects of this state last night. And to be fair to myself, I have been trying pretty hard (not my best, but better than usual) to make healthy choices on the road, and often succeeding (half the time, at least). This as opposed to always saying "to hell with it" and pigging out on whatever I choose. I did do my exercise walk today, around the Microsoft campus for 15 brisk minutes. I resisted the tempation to load up my plate with extra yummy chicken cordon bleu (a favorite comfort food) at lunch and had a lot of green beans, which I dislike, to fill up on instead. It's a weakness of mine, lapsing into crappy eating habits on the road, aided and abetted by the absence of healthy options readily at hand. I think that if I practice a little more self-observation, impartial, positive, and objective, I will be able to devise a strategy for working with it. For the next two months, it is one of my biggest challenges. Let's see how I can deal with this tomorrow.
I called G from the restaurant. She had found someone to walk with her to the subway, which put my mind at ease. The school should have a shuttle or something. We didn't talk for too long because she was sleepy. I guess my Dad called, wondering if I had got home safely. I wish! All over the Microsoft campus there are signs which say, "Where do you want to go today?" My response: home.
Returned to the hotel a little while ago and popped the laundry in the dryer. By now it should almost be dry, so I am going to go and get it and then go to sleep. Tomorrow, a better day.
3:55 AM
1.17.2001
The Collective, 1:08 local time
Tough morning this morning. Musta been all that thinking I did late last night. A brief chat with G and a rather poor, itchy, wiggly, unfocused sitting. Just goes to show you, one day something is available to you and the next day it can be nowhere to be found. How to make it more accessible, more often? That's my concern with many of my commitemts.
Finally woke up and got animated during class when the discussion heated up just before lunch. Completed an exercise with my breakout group and now, faced with a half-hour break, I'm off for a walk around the (massive) campus.
3:12 PM
Redmond, WA 11:40 local time
A pretty good day. As noted, got a little tired during an extra-long training session. Stopped at a Vietnamese restaurant for a large quantity of lovely noodle soup, which I enjoyed in my room with a turkey sandwich while watching Grumpier Old Men on HBO. Not as funny as the first one but many yucks all the same. (Classic line from Burgess Meredith: "You wish? I'll tell you what. Make a wish in one hand and take a shit in the other and see which gets filled first.") Got a call from G and informed her, "I'm filled with noodles." Idly surfed the web. Gonna restring the guitar and practice in a few before hitting the hay.
Got a decent night's rest last night but not the seven hours I promised myself. I did make some useful observations about myself today. Rationalization for not getting to sleep earlier: it is hard to even try go to sleep when I am on the road. Mentally, I am restless and I often don't feel very present on my own in the evenings. My subconscious unrest seems to peak about midway through my travels, so (I realize as I write this) yesterday/today is the critical time. No big deals: I have been keeping up pretty well, but guitar practice has fallen by the wayside along with today's exercise. I have had a bit of that uncomfortable sense of my internal discipline slipping.
Thinking about my theme of commitment to a goal or aim, I often wonder about the state one is in when one makes a commitment, versus the state one is in when one rationalizes breaking it. When one is committing to something, one is usually in a resourceful and positive state: "I can and will do this." Where does this state come from? Is it a gift from God? Grace? Merely a function of our biochemical reactions? The Chinese food we ate for lunch?
At the other end of the spectrum is a state of -- what? Self-pity? Not in the miserable sense, but in the sense of, "I am giving myself a break and not trying to fulfill this particular commitment at this time because . . ." Because it's too hard; because I don't feel like it; because I am feeling tired and lack the reserve necessary to bear up under the weight of the commitment. Then: guilt, remorse, at worst negativity toward one's self, at best, renewed resolve. Or, the opposite: surrender to . . . to what? Inertia? No, worse than that: backsliding.
Perhaps anyone who has struggled with weight loss, for example, or quitting smoking, addictive behaviors (and aren't they all, in a way?) is familiar with this. "Well, to hell with it. Because I gave up that one time, it means that making a commitment is meaningless. Therefore, I cast out the baby with the bathwater. Carton of Marlboros, please." The easy way out, or so it seems at the time. the hard way out, if practiced again and again. Then we reinforce the "meaninglessness" of our commitments.
What external factors give rise to this state in which commitments are not honored? What internal factors are sensitive to these external forces? If they can be identifed, perhaps they can be avoided, dealt with proactively -- almost combated in a martial arts sense. Perhaps we can train ourselves to use the momentum of this change in state to defeat or inhibit, or perhaps reverse it, much as a judo expert uses the momentum of his opponent to disarm. This would require a real alertness, a level of presence to one's self that I don't yet possess. My sense is that meditation, reflection, exercises like this dairy can help.
The next time I am on the road, and for the rest of this trip, I will be paying special attention to my state around mid-trip. For example, I noticed today that my space here in the hotel had slipped into a bit of a mess. This after keeping it neat and tidy thus far in the trip. So in a way, even though we don't realize it, perhaps if we are alert we can notice some physical manifestations of our change in state and this can remind us to look inside and see what's really going on.
This probably makes for tedious reading. But one of my important aims of this dairy is to try to stand over my own shoulder a bit, and by recapitulating my thoughts and feelings during the day, to be a little more alert to what's going on inside.
I think that in a lot of ways we become mere creatures of habit and don't even notice what we are doing most of the time. Over the last couple of years, for example, I noticed that I had a habit of responding with derision and scorn to topics of conversation with others. Just in a knee-jerk kind of way. I noticed this because on a couple of occasions the fact that my comments were intolerant and sounded (unintentionally, and there's the rub) mean and were actually a little hurtful to others was subtly brought to my attention.
Many years ago, a very smart man brought a similar habit, directed at myself, to my attention. Attending to it produced a quantum change in my relationship with the rest of the world, and with myself.
If there is any doubt that we are often acting on autopilot, consider what seems to be the appalling and continual erosion of courtesy in the public. People often seem to drift through public spaces without any awareness of the repercussions of their behavior on others. The mall at holiday time is a virtual college for the study of this phenomenon. A bang, a thud, with no "pardon me," or "excuse me" or indeed recognition that a jarring impact has transpired.
The airport provides a graduate school: people who stop dead in the middle of the exit doorway of an airplane after a long flight, completely oblivious to the masses of equally weary and bedraggled fellow travellers struggling to get past them as they stand and chat amiably with loved ones who have come to meet them. Should we get angry at these people? No. (Exasperated, perhaps.) Are they bad people? No. Are their intentions bad? No. The problem is (or so it seems to me) that they have no intention at all in this action. They are running on a program and directing very little of their activity intentionally. Unless they are actually thinking: I walk through door. I see Uncle Bill. I stop dead. I talk to Uncle Bill. By doing so I irritate many people. (Perhaps, I realize this and just don't care?) I think most people don't actually think this kind of thing through that often. As I say, I know there are many, many habitual behaviors of my own I have "noticed" over the years. There are many still in need of work. To ponder how many remain unnoticed is somewhat daunting. To consider their possible repercussions is terrifying.
This isn't a critique of mankind, and by God, I am nobody to criticize the fallen nature of my fellow creatures. However, it is intensely educational when applied to ourselves. A lot of the reading I have been doing lately deals with this subject. It's an interesting feature, for example, of almost all religious traditions. "Lord, make me an instrument of your will" or, "thy will be done" seems to me a prayer of liberation through surrender. Free me, Lord, from being a creature of mere earthly habits, certainly some that are destructive or unpleasant to others, and instead let my will be guided by yours. Buddhism asks us to be present and alert to the unfolding moment and act with compassionate attention to it. It is an amazing challenge to pose: can I simultaneously act in the world, operate in the world, and be attentive and, if you will, intentional? When I am not, can I be alert to it?
It seems not so much a goal to be achieved ("I will perfect myself so I always act in this fashion") as a speed-bump to remind us of who we really are.
But enough navel-gazing for one night. The Ovation awaits her new strings.
1:38 AM
1.16.2001
The Collective, 3:18 local time
Attention, alertness flagging. Break time. Must ingest caffeine.
5:18 PM
Redmond, WA 1:00 pm local time
A long morning in class. On an abbreviated lunch break. Had a very good sitting this morning, an unusually deep experience. Now I know why I committed to doing this every day (even if I skipped yesterday -- hey, I did give myself a day off once a week). Class is going well. Some of the discussions spin around themselves a bit too much. Engagement and interest level still present, although flagging a little bit as hunger set in. Now, what's for lunch?
3:02 PM
Redmond, WA 12:01 local time
A good and productive day. Got up at 6:00, showered, dressed, made coffee, chatted briefly with G on the phone, studied pre-class reading, then met colleagues in the lobby for breakfast (oatmeal, banana, juice, more coffee). Drove to the collective and met the rest of the class. The class got off to a slow(ish)start but became interesting rather quickly. Challenging, in fact -- the best kind of class. (Fueled by plenty of, what else, Starbucks).
Lunch was a roast beef sandwich with mustard, and an apple. Although I shunned the various cookies which came along with it, I confess to having left the slice of cheese on the sandwich and eating (and thoroughly enjoying) the potato chips. Then it was back into class until 5:30. Drove some of the guys back to the hotel, popped up to the room to check email and such, then back down at 7:00 pm to meet the group for dinner at a pretty crummy "family restaurant." All the options on the menu were pretty poor for a guy trying to be good with his eating habits. Even the "healthy" items had bacon, or sauces, or oil, or tons of cheese, etc. Finally settled on a charbroiled turkey burger, hold the mayo. Came with fries. Ate some of them. Pretty lame dinner actually. I think the Vietnamese restaurant around the corner from the hotel is on deck for tomorrow, for me. Nice though my classmates are, I have never been one for socializing with folks I have been working in the same room with for 8 or 9 hours. I like to be by myself if I can't be with a pal.
After dinner, seperated from the group and took a walk. There was a thick, thick fog blanketing Redmond this morning, so thick you couldn't see buildings. During the day it cleared and the afternoon was brilliantly crisp and clear. Leaving class, the sky was a deep ebony-blue. I was very excited to take a walk under the stars, but by the time we got out of supper the fog had rolled back in. So, I had a foggy but invigorating half-hour walk. The fog seemed to clear my head a little bit. Came back and the gang were all in the lobby bs'ing. I said goodnight and headed to the room. Called G but she wasn't home. I was worried, but I called her 15 minutes later and she was home. Turns out she went out after school with a friend and had a couple of beers. We talked for half an hour or so. Been surfin' the web for amusement (to no avail, I might add) and will practice guitar and get some shuteye in a few.
Had a realization today. When I was walking from Capitol Hill to the Space Needle yesterday, at some point my attention shifted from where I was and what I was doing -- walking down new streets -- to total focus on where I was going. This is interesting to me because one of my efforts is to be more aware of the present moment. When we do that, shift our attention from process to goal, what becomes possible that was not? What is lost? There should be a middle way. Something to watch for in the future.
2:00 AM
1.15.2001
Posting here from Microsoft on my lunch break. Not sure if this will work or not -- if Blogger's blogspot.com is up or what -- but will find out soon. Meanwhile, class is going well. I am alert, engaged and interested. More later.
3:10 PM
Blogger has been acting strangely -- space issues on a server, apparently -- let's see if I can post now.
8:50 AM
Redmond, WA, local time 11:30 pm
I think I forgot to mention about the show I saw last night -- the guys had to perform amidst several asbestos-clad people blowing huge hot blobs of molten glass, shoving them into a huge white-hot furnace etc. Lots of open flames and incredible danger. I don't know how they were able to play. It didn't seem to me that many people were attending to their music, but it was really good, and all improvised. I bought their CD, which is spinning as I type this.
A very good day today, lacking only one thing: someone to share it with. Unfortunately, my favorite person share things with is about 1,000 miles east of here. Someday we will come here together. In the meantime, a little red candle burns next to a picture of us on our honeymoon near the Gay Head lighthouse on Martha’s Vineyard. (Film scholars will note that this is the lighthouse in the background in Jaws during the “I understand that you intend to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you in the ass” sequence.)
Got up at 7:00 am, jet lag playing havoc with my internal clock. I went back to sleep until a little before 8:30 and received my 8:30 wake-up call when I was already awake. Another first. I felt very rested and refreshed after yesterday’ adventures in transcontinental travel. Strolled out of my bedroom into the living room of my DeLuxe suite, wrapped myself up in a blanket and called Genevieve, who had just gotten up a little while before. It was a real treat to talk with her first thing in the morning like that. We chatted for a while; she informed me that my Mom’s Aunt Marie had passed on Friday. Marie was a really dear person. I didn’t know her all that incredibly well but all my memories of her are very fond ones. A very jolly and kind person who loved to laugh. She had been sick for a long time with cancer and in that sense the fact that her passing was peaceful and free from pain is a blessing. I made a note to call Mom a little later in the day.
Showered, dressed, checked email, repacked my luggage. Had a very good morning meditation and contemplated guitar practice, but since I really wanted to get going I postponed it until tonight. So, I checked out of the hotel, and checked my bags with the extremely nice bellman. I made certain to compliment the desk manager on the excellence of the front-line staff and the service I had received. Then, it was off on my adventure.
Things to remember about Seattle:
1. If the weather forecast excitedly advertises that the weather will be “partly sunny,” it means “you will be able to see a few patches of blue sky for a few moments during the day and it won’t rain until later, and then only sprinkle a little bit.”
2. Even when it isn’t raining, it feels like it is, especially if it has been raining recently.
3. All the men in this town look like my friend Mick.
4. Those who don’t look like my other friend, Matt McCallum.
5. Except for those over 40, who all look like Captain McAllister.
6. Great, friendly customer service here seems to be commonplace.
My trip began with a walk up the street to Pike Place Market. An excellent two bagels with lowfat cream cheese, coffee and orange juice later I was off into the market itself. This is a large, converted warehouse type of affair near Seattle’s waterfront filled with interesting little shops. As I observed to the guy in a bookshop within, “I could go broke in this town in a hurry.” Spent a couple of hours there, wandering in the stores. Found some excellent items for the company office back home in a wind-up toy shop. Saw the Pike Place Fish Company guys do their thing, which is 50% about selling fish and 50% performance art. People order the fish and the guys pick it out, hollering to their cohorts behind the counter, and fling piles of crab, huge salmon and trout, through the air. What a great place to spend a morning. I will stop back there, time permitting, on Saturday before leaving town to get some ice-packed fish for dinner on my return.
Then, I hiked down to the waterfront. Took a souvenir picture for a bunch of guys who were out doing the same thing as me, out at the end of a pier watching cargo tankers float around in Puget Sound.
I walked south along the waterfront to Pioneer Square, the “Ye Olde” part of Seattle. Lovely old architecture and a lot of the old neon (Rooms, 25 cents) still working. It was pretty quiet, being a Sunday afternoon and out of season for tourists. I considered going on the undergorund tour of old Seattle (made famous, and terrifying, for me in The Night Strangler). But it was a commitment of a couple of hours I didn't want to make this time. Then, I walked back toward my hotel. Decided to take a cab to the other corner of town, an area called Capitol Hill. The cab deposited me near a Elysian Brewing Company, by a stroke a fortune, so I stopped in and had a couple of pints and rested my feet. Then it was off on a long stroll down Broadway, poking my head in a few CD shops in search of the elusive Seattle Guitar Circle CD. No luck; I guess I will have to order it online after all.
Then I headed west again, and walked toward the Space Needle. Stopped along the way to admire a beautiful sunset over the sound from atop a hill, and decided to call Mom. We had a nice chat despite the cell phone, and talked a bit about Marie. Then I walked to the Space Needle, a long, long walk indeed, up and down big, big hills! Altogether I think I must have walked five miles today, maybe a little less. It was really fun and felt good, though (my feet would tell you a different story, I think). I was iffy on whether I wanted to go up in the damned thing but after walking all that way, I said, “I’ll be damned if I don’t!” So, up I went. A beautiful view although just barely too late to dig the sunset. Considered popping in the neighboring Experience Music Project but it was a) expensive and b) closing in an hour. Maybe next time.
So I just hopped the monorail back downtown, and walked the four blocks back to Pike Place, where I found a nice little grill and had a light dinner of shrimp cocktail followed by lightly battered cod and come fries. Delicious and much-needed, as was the gallon or so of water that I also consumed. Then, back to the hotel to get the bags, and a quick 15-minute or so drive out to Redmond.
What a come-down this hotel is compared to the other one! I am not exaggerating when I say my bedroom downtown was as big as this whole room. Oh, well, back to being a typical business traveller again. Had a quick huddle with some of my colleagues who will be attending the training at the Borg with me, and then headed to the market to pick up some lowfat snacks, bottled water and soda for the room. (At least I do have a little fridge.) Then, a call to G – I do so hate being away – and some time spent unpacking and stowing my gear, setting up my space and so on. And now, here I am.
All in all, a great day. Not excellent, but great. And now, a little guitar practice, a little work reading, and to bed. An early wake-up awaits me tomorrow to review some stuff for the class I will be taking (a welcome relief to take a class rather than teach one) and also attend to my morning rituals.
By the way, you do know that the highlighted blue words in these entries are links, don't you? Click one and see.
1:47 AM
1.14.2001
Just a quick note: the posting times on this are set to Central Time. Evidently you can't adjust them per post -- changes are applied globally to the blog. So, while I am in Seattle, subtract two hours from the posting time to figure out what time I have posted entries.
Good night!
1:21 AM
Walked back from the show at the glass-blowing place. Pretty cool performance by the group, lots of looping and some good bass + drum pockets. Some cool solos by one of the guitarists. Now, having been thwarted in my attempts to find a healthy late-night dining option on the way home, I am awaiting a pizza delivery. Tomorrow will be better in this regard.
I like Seattle, so far! The people have all been very nice. The service at the hotel has been great. I'm very, very tired and looking forward to a good night's sleep after my wearying travel day. I don't know how some people do this all the time.
Tomorrow it's supposed to be (gasp!) sunny. I am looking forward to a nice walking tour of the city.
1:17 AM
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