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This is my old weblog archive and is no longer actively updated. Please visit this link for my current blog.
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Michael's Diary -- 2001-2003 Archive
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2.02.2001
Swan Resort, Disney World, Orlando, Florida 12:29 local time
A long but fruitful day of travel and fun. Our day began with G leaving the house at 6:00 am to get to Midway and a Southwest flight to Orlando, and me leaving the house at 8:00 am for O'Hare and an American flight to Orlando. We both made it to the Swan resort, (I got here about 2:30 eastern) -- a purposefully garish neo-Miami addition to the Disney scene. I have posted a short video of the view from our balcony -- pretty sweet except for the boat that keeps tooting all day outside the window. You can get the ~1 meg clip at this link: Balcony video
Anyway, we unpacked and G napped for a bit, and then around 4:30 we were off to 5:00 dinner at Cinderella's castle. There's a nice restaurant in the tower there and we had some good steak -- highly recommended. Then, lots of walking, visits to favorite rides like Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, new rides like the Buzz Lightyear ride which was fun, and then the parade and fireworks, which were the highlight of the day. Then a bus ride to Pleasure Island, the nightclub/bar district of Disney. Alas there was a huge outdoor concert going on involving the kind of music which makes hundreds of gel-haired folks do the "raise the roof" thing with their hands. So it was hard to go from place to place. We went to the Adventurers' Club on friend Andy's recommendation but were way too bushed for the improvisational high jinks performed by the cast of characters within. So, a quick stop at for a bite to eat and some overpriced spring water and it was back to the hotel around 11:15.
Tomorrow, Epcot beckons. No practice tonight, although I did bring the Ovation. Just too beat. Plenty of (hours of!) walking though, much needed to fend off the caloric treats indulged in today. What the hell, it's Disney World and God knows when we'll both be down here again.
11:40 PM
2.01.2001
Last night’s – or should I say this morning’s – diary entry was exactly the kind of terse and crappy entry I was hoping to avoid. And there was more to write about than I thought of at the time. Blame the late hour and the degree to which Half-Life had made me pissy.
As written, I got to work kind of late. I did a good job of watching what I ate, and I got my walk in. Practiced guitar. So there are good things to report.
Similar things today – had a nigh-on-impossible time getting out of bed this morning. A better sitting than yesterday although my mind tends to go off on tangents and it sometimes is several moments before I realize that my attention has strayed. Always amazing how hard this simple task is. Finally did and called the office to let JL know I would be in late. Caught Maura and Faolain at home just before they left for their big trip. Faolain was so excited – you could really hear it in her voice. They will be close to Limerick and seeing all the family over there. What an awesome time they will have, even though it’s only for a few days! I’m envious.
When Tiarnan heard it was me on the phone he wanted to talk to me. Hilarious conversation with the little fellow. A lot of “uh-huhs” to my questions. Very cute.
Then it was off to the non-profit to drop off some discs, and then in to the office. Got off the bus a few stops early to get my walking in for the day. Had some coffee and a bagel and got in touch with the potential customer I have been working on for weeks. They really will be doing business with us, it turns out – we just have to work out the scope of the project. So, very good news. Got some paperwork faxed around; we’ll touch base next week. Then, organized my plans for the conference and checked a few last-minute Disney details. Then off to the train; picked up the laundry at the cleaners and got home. Neither G nor I had it in us to cook supper, so it was Chinese food for us tonight. The rest of the night has been taken up with vacation planning, catching up on our finances, watching a little TV, practicing guitar and reinstalling Office because of a stupid security patch. And now, I have to pack some clothes. G will be going to bed before me, I suspect, but I intend to watch Brazil, which I have been putting off for two weeks now.
Then, tomorrow, on different flights, we are off to Disney World – G for the weekend and me through Wednesday. I’ll be posting from the luxurious Swan resort, which I would ink to if the VB Script errors on the Disney page would stop. If you're that interested, you'll be able to find it.
10:33 PM
A pretty dull day without a lot to report. Overslept today, a real classic monkey-mind sitting (could NOT shut my brain up!), got in to work late, got a haircut. Made some plans for the Disney weekend. Ate little during the day and finished Super Bowl leftovers for supper (G was at class). Forgot to call my sister, who is leaving with my niece for Ireland, but John tells me I can catch them tomorrow morning. Which will be here in a few short hours. Played Half-Life for long enough to finally get sick of it. After a while the little traps and puzzles are just exasperating. So I am off the Half-Life jones for a while. Just in time to split town anyway.
1:11 AM
1.30.2001
Arrived home around 6:05 and realized I had forgotten to drop off the dry cleaning this morning. So, I combined my 10-minute walk (which will be ramping up next week) with a trip to the cleaners. Came home and played No Life for a little while until G came home. We finished off the Super Bowl leftovers for supper (chili and mac/cheese). G's mom called so she was on the phone with her for a while. I played some more No Life. Can you tell I'm addicted? Then G had to finsih homework so my brother Sean and I hooked up on NetMeeting for a videoconference. It was pretty cool. We were bitching about the low quality but then we were like, hey, we're 800 miles away and videoconferencing with each other! I expect quality will improve when we move to cable or DSL after our May move to a new pad. Can't wait to try this out with Sean, Tina and the kids, as well as Maura, John and the Barretts as soon as they get their camera working again.
I completed my guitar practice, which was so-so. While waiting for my brother to be ready to video, I made a really excellent guitar loop using just the DL4 and the quadrophonic effects of my sound card -- one reverb effect in the rear speakers and the other in the front. It was really, really nice. I tried to record it but for some reason only the left channel went in. Next time, I'm thinking, vibrato/chorus in the front and reverb in the rear.
I haven't yet sat down and tried to run a ProTools multitrack session and straighten out all the ins and outs of the awesome sound system on this PC. One of these days I will have the time, inclination and will have completed Half-Life. :) Strike that -- I will make the time.
So, in essence, a day with a lot to be positive about. I think I really hit the nail on the head with my earlier posting. This has refreshed my point of view somewhat, and I'm really glad I went over my roles/goals/commitments earlier. It gave me a recharge. Must remember this.
11:10 PM
A bleary start to a dreary day (weather-wise). G was quite right in saying that cold, rainy days like today are exceedingly difficult for me to function on, certainly in the morning. I had my sitting, an itchy and unfocused affair, as they are when I haven't attended to them in a while. Fed the animals and synched the Visor, and then it was off in the light sprinkle to work. Got in around 10 or so. Treated myself to a venti (why can't they just say small, medium and large?) Starbucks to help wake up, and a bagel with light cream cheese (still more fat than I should be eating, but more on that later) and a banana for breakfast. Did a little piddling around on the net in the morning. Subway for lunch (chicken breast, mustard, lettuce, onion and tomato). Fixed a couple of graphics files in the afternoon, and then spent some time reviewing roles, commitments, and goals, in light of my growing unease over the last few days. Since it's now 1/12 of the way (practically) through 2001, it seems like the time.
I have thought long and hard about the different important roles in my life and my long-range goals in each one. I have set myself some serious and necessary commitments for the year to move me closer to those goals. I sincerely believe that these commitments are realistic and achievable. And yet, I have had a hard time meeting some of them. This has led me to be a little "down on myself." This leads to a state in which it is unlikely that I will continue to try to maintain my commitments.
In a way my diary process has been a part of the negativity. I have been focusing a little too much, as I review my day and think over what I am going to post, on what I haven't done. While it's obviously important to be candid and sincere about missteps, perhaps it is even more important to focus on the positives things. And I realize as I write this that the positives would take much longer to write about than the negatives. But briefly: I have abstained from tobacco use. I have increased my intentional exercise and walk rather than take public transport where practical. I have greatly reduced my alcohol intake to a few beers a week, or sometimes none. I have made better food choices, not perfect but much improved. I have kept this diary every day since the beginning of the year.
I guess my quandary has been over the nature of commitment. I have been considering a commitment an absolute and I suppose in some sense this is appropriate. However, the overall commitment is to effect a long-term change in myself. To expect this to happen overnight is unrealistic and setting myself up to fail, which leads to self-negativity etc. On the other hand, if one is too lax, one ends up backsliding all the way to square on. Moderation, as always, appears to be the key.
So, what have I learned about myself and this process this month, that I can take forward into the year and work with?
1. A major, major challenge is controlling my moods and reactions to my moods when I am alone on the road. I think that based on my self-observation on my Seattle trip I have identified particular things to be alert for that will help me in this. The fact that G will be with me for the first half of my Orlando trip this weekend will be an enormous help, I think. If I can get through one trip absent the mood swings, which lead to unwanted behaviors, then I will be able to get through the rest as well.
2. When I do not dedicate time on Sunday to do my weekly planning, a sense of disconnection and confusion results.
3. I need to focus on things I am proud of accomplishing as well as things I feel badly about not accomplishing.
4. I need to be dead objective about things I didn't achieve.
For me, attending to the way my mind seems to work, it is very difficult to be completely dispassionate about missteps. On some level there is almost always that negativity floating around. Is this part of the human condition, or is it just me? I think in everyone there is a mix of the positive and negative, the sacred and profane, if you will. The key once again seems to be recognizing actions and reactions that are usually unconscious, trying to stand aside from yourself and recognize the reality of what's going on, and positive and negative aspects of your character arising in response. Some combination of these three elements creates "where you are." I think the idea of the "Law of Three" is sound: in everything there are three forces at work, the positive, the negative, and the neutral. If we can view "ourselves" as neutral and our own positive and negative aspects as the other two terms in a system, perhaps this gives us a framework to contemplate ourselves objectively. Or something like that. If we can do this and recognize the positive and negative forces at work in shaping our actions we can be neutral toward the negative -- ground ourselves, if you will -- and embrace the positive energies at work in our lives. To choose otherwise, it seems, is to embrace the negative by default. This is really an oversimplification and maybe it makes no sense, but it's where my practical view of the self has been heading for a while. And it's really what this diary is supposed to be about, in a way. I haven't thought it through enough to be clear about it, but maybe you get some sense of what the hell I am talking about. This is the first time I have tried to explore this idea in writing, but I don't think it will be the last.
For now, it's time to head home.
5:04 PM
1.29.2001
A largely uneventful day. I left the office at five and arrived home around 5:40. G had already left for school. I half-heartedly started cleaning up the few items left around the kitchen -- a few empties and such -- but then a voice said, "you really need a night off." And so I did. Ate some cold pizza for dinner -- party leftovers, I'm afraid -- but a meagre protion. The last thing I felt like doing was spending any time cooking anything , even warming up anything.
Tried to play a game a friend gave me but the discs werent functioning. Installed some "service packs" (a/k/a big fixes) for Office and a couple of other necessary apps, and then, yes, it was a couple of hours of Half-Life. What an immersive and gory game. Fun and mindless.
Speaking of mindlessness, I felt a little more in touch with myself today, a little more in tune. It's been troubling me that I have had a hard time sticking absolutely to my commitments. Mostly, I do OK, but just OK. Tomorrow morning I am doing a little review and I will post candid results here.
Basically: I went along great for two weeks and then left home for a week and went (partially) off the rails. I really enjoy the feeling of being in control and command, if you know what I mean. What a great feeling to be doing what you really feel you should. So, the question is, why do I so often not do this? I know I am not the only person who faces this conundrum but it is the focus of my work for the year. When is a commitment not a commitment? When it is a matter of convenience, perhaps?
11:59 PM
Interesting quote from Robert Fripp's diary today: " . . . the normal abnormalities of everyday life: the lack of a sense of personal presence, our careless movement through space, our negative thinking, the throwing of ill-will at people we dislike. All of this has impact."
A late morning, thus no sitting (yet) and no healthy breakfast (coffee and donut -- first donut in over a month!). However, I decided to walk from our client at the Water Tower all the way down to our office, a brisk walk which I quite enjoyed until it started raining -- but I was almost there when it started. Had a turkey sub, no cheese, lettuce, tomato and mustard for lunch.
Here is last night's diary entry, delayed by Blogger maintenance.
Monday, January 29 12:52 am
Blogger is down for maintenance, so I am entering this in Outlook for posting tomorrow.
A busy day of cooking and preparing for Super Sunday. A pretty good turnout of people although I never feel like our parties ever reach that party "critical mass." Partly this is because we don't know a zillion people around here. The other parts, I don't know. Anyway, the slow-cooked chili and fresh salsa were yummy and well-received, as well as the mac and cheese and other tasty treats. Most of it got eaten and Suzanne got an order to go, so unlike some of the past get-togethers we don't have a bunch of food going to waste.
Everybody split after a pretty typical Super Blowout. The Giants just stank tonight and alas Art Modell is rewarded for being a heartless sleaze. At least Butz is happy. The new Survivor was on afterward, and to me it seems like few of the folks on this new edition watched the last one. The lady voted off was scratching her head, wondering how someone as tough and resourceful as herself could be voted off. Duh. The weak, namby-pamby people you don't have to worry about competing against for a MILLION DOLLARS. Most of the people are acting like it's about some kind of community. It's not. It's about being shifty enough to be the only person not voted out of the community. Anyway, that's my take on it and I'll leave G to watch it in peace now.
After cleaning up -- which wasn't too hard because we did good damage control -- and after Survivor G hit the hay. I took advantage of having the big-screen projector on to watch You Only Live Twice, my second-favorite Bond and the one with my single favorite shot in all the Bonds -- the helicopter shot over the Kobe docks of Bond facing off against dozens of thugs. The sequence ends with vintage Connery -- he straightens up his tie after the fight. (Brosnan has a similar "That's Bond!" moment in The World is Not Enough during the opening boat chase.) YOLT has everything a Bond movie should have and is the first to shift to truly preposterous enemy fortresses and world domination schemes. The screenplay is by Roald Dahl and has his trademark oddity. Dahl was good friend of Fleming's and had an eye for the dark and sadistic side of the Bond character Fleming always explored much more deeply than the movies.
Anyway. I need to go to bed. I had some pithy observations today, about my internal state, but I need to go to bed. Not a relaxing weekend, exactly. Next weekend, Orlando and Mickey Mouse.
4:05 PM
1.28.2001
You know what they say about most accidents taking place within 5 minutes of home? Try 5 seconds.
Slept very late today and was a real grouch when I awoke. Ate some breakfast, had coffee and made a shopping list for tomorrow's Super Bowl festivities. G started cleaning house. Called Tina over the computer using Net2Phone and was amazed at the quality and clarity! A slight latency with the voice coming over the lines but, wow! And for free!
Anyway, we were going to videoconference today but Sean was out with Aidan. So, I went out to shop and seconds after pulling out of the alley, I scraped a guy's bumper coming out onto the street. He was parked kind of blocking the access to the alley in a loading zone. But, I should have turned wider. Anyway I looked with horror, at first, on his bumper, then realized the large rammed-in dent had to have been a previous, foreceful impact, not the scrape. I went to the car for a pen to leave my name and he suddenly came out of the furniture store, this crazy Russian or Czech dude, and started telling me how he had just had that bumper fixed and it was "like brand new" until I destroyed it. Well... quite apart from the physical impossibility of a lateral scrape causing this guy's bumper to be pushed in a good 1/4 inch, the metal showing under the paint had oxidized. There was some paint rubbed off on my car, but there should have been a huge amount of his chipped paint on the ground if he was being truthful. Anyway, he didn't have his insurance info and had a very confused scene going on with his paperwork, so I called the cops just to cover my ass. Two cops showed up and privately agreed that this guy was blowing smoke about the damage, but told me the insurance companies would have to figure that out. The cop noticed the guy's registration had expired; the guy did not have his insurance papers; and he was parked in a no-parking zone. When I left, having secured an accident report and the guy's info, and given him mine, the cop was going to start writing out tickets to this guy. I wished the guy no ill when this started, but when I realized he was trying to put the stones to me and fix an obviously pre-damaged bumper at my expense I took some satisfaction in knowing justice would be served. I took ample photos to document the whole thing and will pass them on to my insurance agent (the amusingly named Billy D. Williams) on Monday and let him sort it out.
So, finally, delayed 1.5 hours, I got off to the 2 hour shopping bonanza. The fun seeped out of it fairly quickly and I struggled home and upstairs with three tons of goodies. G did her homework while I prepared some really excellent chili. Then, finally at 11:00, some relaxation. G watched some TV and I played No Life, only just quitting after I had to cheat to destroy this giant tentacled parrot of some kind.
The last few days I have noticed I've been using this diary more as a "reporting tool" than its original intent, as a kind of internal monitor. On the internal scale, I have been a lot less alert to the things I need to be alert to. Realizing and noticing these things is what this is all about, I guess.I hope tomorrow to have a little time to do my weekly planning and reassess/review my goals, roles, priorities and commitments.
2:55 AM
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